Acceptance: When I Didn't Believe Possible

Earlier in the spring of 2021 I decided I would go back to school and pursue my master's in MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy). I was excited and nervous, as a young 21 year old I didn't believe I had what it took to be accepted into such a program. I felt inexperienced, unqualified, and too young for such a thing. Yet, I decided last minute I would apply, I was surprised to receive an email informing me of a virtual interview that would take place with other applicants. As the days grew closer to our interview date I became more and more nervous and even more so on the day of. When I joined in on the virtual interview my stomach dropped to see the faces of adults who were twice my age. We went around and introduced ourselves and explained a little bit about who we were and why this program would be a good fit. I was beyond nervous as I sat and listened to these adults explain about the years of work experience they had and here I was, fresh out of college with little to no work experience within this field. I felt so unqualified and I often wondered to myself what have I gotten myself into.

Throughout the 4-hour interview process, yes you read that right, 4 long hours of me sweating uncontrollably because I was so nervous, I was constantly thinking to myself, "Who are you to think you'd have enough to offer this program against all these other individuals?". We were asked many questions and given time to respond and interact with each other while those who would be deciding if we'd be a good fit for the program watched us. I was relieved when those 4 hours were finally up and I could go change out of my very sweaty and stinky shirt. Afterward, many people asked me how the interview went and I didn't really know what to tell them and so as most of us would respond, I said, "it went, I won't know how well I did until I hear back". In truth, I wanted to lessen the blow of finding out I didn't get accepted. How many of us do that? We go into life trying to lessen ourselves so that when we receive the rejection we're expecting it doesn't hurt as much. How sad that we have all experienced this at one point or another. Why is it that we believe we need to lessen ourselves? Rather, why can't we confidently step into who we are and the God-given abilities we've been given? The simple answer is because of sin. We live in a fallen world and we all suffer because of it.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I received a call from Bethel, they wanted me in the program! I couldn't believe it! I, a 21-year-old with very little experience in this field beyond my bachelor's in psychology, was accepted into a master's program. I was beyond words. I remember the excitement I felt in sharing with those closest to me my good news. I was proud of myself and I had every right to be. However, what I didn't foresee coming was the very real struggle of going through a breakup, moving to a new city, finding a new job, and starting school all while stuffing and ignoring a very big and hurtful secret, my abortion. I can sit here now, writing this out, understanding that while I believed my abortion wasn't affecting my life, it truly was, I just wasn't allowing myself to see or feel it. I stuffed it so deep within myself that it took my life being turned upside down for me to start confronting and dealing with this deep wound.

As I tried to juggle all these big life changes within a matter of a few months, I had little time to actually evaluate if committing to such a big responsibility, pursuing a master's degree, was what was best for me. I can remember talking with my sister-in-law about this and her hesitancy about me starting the program. She and my brother knew of my abortion at the time, as they were the only ones within my family that knew. They are both MFTs themselves and I knew they had the training to handle and process such news. When my sister-in-law brought up her hesitancy about me starting this program I remember telling her that starting this program was pretty much the only thing I was looking forward to in my life. That I was actually really excited and wanted to pursue this degree. I wasn't upset at her hesitance, I fully understood where she was coming from. She was worried about me because going through such a program that is focused on diving deep into one's self, often brings up a lot of toxicity and hurts. She knew that I had not fully processed or healed from my abortion and she lovingly held her tongue when I replied with my answer because maybe she too knew I needed something to keep me going.

So, in August of 2022, I started my program and from day one, I was filled with uncertainty about if this was where God wanted me and if this is where I wanted to be. I struggled for months, not understanding why I was faced with such uncertainty. When we initially make a big decision we are always faced with the uncertainty of our decision. We don't like risks and the unknown, and making big decisions requires a bit of risk and unknown. For many of us, after a while, those feelings of uncertainty settle and we're content with our decision. However, that was not my case. I couldn't shake this uncertainty, I couldn't shake the unhappiness that followed me, the bitterness, and the ever-present darkness. In November, I made an appointment with my program director expressing that I was really struggling and wanted to explore my options. I tried my best to explain why I was struggling so much without actually telling him why I was struggling. He caught on pretty quickly that I wasn't telling the full story, yet he was kind enough to not press me into sharing more than what I was ready for. And, even after that meeting, I was still left with unanswered decisions and even more uncertainty about what I should do. I decide I'd pray about it. Now as a Christian, that should always be our first answer, prayer, however, how many of us say we'll pray about it but then don't or we occasionally pray about it? That was me 100%. I told myself I'd pray about it but in reality, I didn't really bring it to the Lord. And so, I was left with my ever-growing uncertainty.

It was in December of 22, I was listening to an episode from the "WHOA That's Good Podcast", by Sadie Robertson that I believe the Lord spoke to me. In this podcast, she was sharing about her dreams and desires to do great things in her hometown, however, she had felt God calling her to Tennessee. At the time she had told her dad about all these ideas and he was concerned as to why she wanted to leave behind her dreams and go to Tennessee. Sadie shared with her dad her reasons and she said 3 months later, she was living in Tennessee. Saide lived in Tennessee for 3 years before she moved back to where she is currently living in Alabama. She told her listeners that it was in those 3 years of living in Tennessee that the Lord provided a foundation for her to accomplish her dreams, just 3 years later than she thought. When Sadie shared that story, I knew the Lord was speaking the same thing to me. That while I had these desires and dreams to pursue a master's degree, it wasn't what He was calling me to right now. The Lord has placed a different calling on my heart, and that is, to share my story and minister to others. I don't know what His plans are concerning school, but I know I would enjoy going back and I also know I would be content to stay where I am. That is the interesting thing about following Christ, wherever He calls us, we become content, satisfied in where He has placed us. Since finalizing my decision to withdraw from my master's program I have felt such peace. A peace that surpasses all understanding, and I know that peace comes from stepping into what God has placed on my heart (Philippians 4:6).

Wherever the Lord calls me, I know, that He will use me for His glory. I do not share my story, my testimony to bring fame and popularity upon myself. I share with you my story because I want others to know His work through me. I want to be a light in the darkness. I want to spread the good news because I have experienced it first hand and when you experience something life-changing, you want others to experience it too. My friends, wherever you may be in this journey called life, God wants to walk that road with you. In fact, He wants to be the one guiding and directing you because His plans are bigger than our own, better than our own, and much more fulfilling than we can imagine. I know it can be scary to hand over the keys of our life to Him. I know, and let me tell you this, once you do, you will never be the same. He will redeem and restore you in ways you could never imagine!

I offer you this last insight into my acceptance into Bethel's master's program. I believe the Lord granted me acceptance not because He was calling me to pursue my master's but to show me that I was more than qualified. Remember how I told you that throughout the entire interviewing process, I kept thinking, "I'm not qualified enough for this". Well, friends, the Lord heard me and He decided He was going to do something about those thoughts. I truly believe that my acceptance into the program wasn't because that was where God was calling me, to become a counselor, He was showing me, that He calls me worthy, that He created me to be more than qualified, and that I had what I took, I just needed to have faith and believe.

Lord, I thank you that through You, we are more than enough! On our own, we will never measure up and Lord You provided a way in which we could, through the death of Your Son on the cross. Lord, I thank you for the army of blessed and qualified individuals you are raising up! Lord, I pray that we will always choose life and fight to protect it. Amen.